Local Revision: Wordiness

In this post, I will revise my wordiest paragraph of my college essay.

Colton, Julian. "Closeup of a pencil tip." 22 May 2011. Public Domain.

This is my wordiest paragraph of my Project 1 draft:

Another argument points the blame to doctors. For example, West Virginia now allows painkiller addicts to sue prescribing doctors. According to Willis Duncan, his doctor’s only treatment was a never-ending supply of pills that led to his addiction. Duncan had been in a coal mining accident, leaving him with a crushed sternum and broken ribs. When he went to see his doctor, “he would wait for hours to be seen at a clinic for just a few minutes, where 150 patients lined up every day” (Axelrod, Jim). He eventually never told a doctor he needed help because he had gotten so used to the pills and didn’t know how to function without them. After watching a documentary on CBS News about West Virginia Clinics, I witnessed the inside of an exam room. “Hundreds of patient records were seized with thousands of undated and pre-signed prescriptions for addictive pain medications” (Axelrod, Jim). In addition to neglecting, doctors are more likely than ever to diagnose patients with chronic-pain syndromes. The Institute of Medicine estimates that 100 million Americans have chronic pain (“Viewpoint: Are Doctors to Blame for Prescription-Drug Abuse?”). Obviously, these numbers are ridiculous. Those who blame doctors for this drug abuse epidemic believe that they must stop being lazy, fearing patient satisfactory surveys, and truthfully ask their patients about their pain.

This is my revised version:

One major stakeholder is Willis Duncan, who strongly believes that doctors are the main cause of painkiller addicts and should be sued. Duncan was in a coal-mining accident, leaving him with a crushed sternum, broken ribs, and a future painkiller addiction. When he visited his doctor, “he would wait for hours to be seen at a clinic for just a few minutes, where 150 patients lined up every day” (Axelrod, Jim). He never asked the doctor for help because he was so used to the pills and didn’t know how to function without them. A documentary on West Virginia Clinics showed “Hundreds of patient records were seized with thousands of undated and pre-signed prescriptions for addictive pain medications” (Axelrod, Jim). Doctors are also more likely than ever to diagnose patients with chronic-pain syndromes. An estimated 100 million Americans have "chronic pain" (“Viewpoint: Are Doctors to Blame for Prescription-Drug Abuse?”). Those who blame doctors for this drug abuse epidemic believe that they must stop being lazy, fearing patient satisfactory surveys, and truthfully ask their patients about their pain.